In A Nick of Time

 

Many years ago when dirt was still new, I listened to a friend's father recite this joke and it sent me rolling on the floor laughing and turning blue. Though I only heard it told one time, it was forever etched into my mind and quickly became one of my favorite jokes that I've retold countless times over the years that followed. (Tip - Works best with a fake Southern accent.)

A young man came home from war.
As he approached his home, he called out, “Hello, Ma!”
She replied, “Hello, Son! Where have you been?”
“Off to war, Ma.”
“Did you win?”
“Yeah Ma, we won. Where’s Pa?”
“He’s out back in the fields.”
So the young man walks out behind the house and sees his Pa working and he calls out...
“Hello Pa!”
“Hello Son! Where have you been?”
“Off to war, Pa.”
“Did you win?”
“Yeah Pa, we won.”
“Did you learn anything?”
“I learned to shoot machine guns and throw hand grenades.”
“Hand grenade?” “What’s a hand grenade?”
“Well, I thought you might say that Pa, so I brought one along. Here look!”
The young man held the grenade out for his Pa to see.
His Pa looks down at it and says, “Well, that’s a mighty cute little thing, but what’cha do with it?”
The young man replies, “Here Pa, I’ll show ya.”
So he pulls the handle, yanks the pin and throws the grenade by an old outhouse settin’ in the field.
It rolls up under and blows up.
Pa looked down at his son and said, “Now, son, ya shouldn’t ought’a done that.”
“Well, why not Pa?”
“’Cuz, your grandma was in there.”
Just then, as the boards, dust, and dirt begin settlin' to the ground, you see his grandma just sittin’ there and she looks up and says, “Whew! Good thing I didn’t do that in the house!”

 

 

Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. Anthony lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, Momma can’t help but notice how pretty Anthony’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his Mama’s thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Maria comes to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mama came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her, just to be sure." So he sends his Mom an email:

"Dear Momma, I’m not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I’m not saying that you didn’t take it, but the fact remains that the silver sugar bowl has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony"

Several days later, Anthony receives a reply from his Momma.

"Figlio mio, I’ma not-a saying that you ‘do’ a sleepa with-a Maria, and I’m not-a saying that you ‘do not’ sleep-a with her, but the fact remains that if-a Maria was a-sleeping, in-a her own-a bed, she would-a have-a found the sugar bowl by now."

 

 

A Priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and the three decided to do an experiment. They would all go up to the Smoky Mountains, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're back together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear, and when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL brothers, you KNOW that WE don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him, and we began to wrassle. We wrassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So right quick-like, I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.'

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.'